Ambiguous is a word that accurately describes my current state of mind. No clear path of thought or feeling or state or presence of mind. That is certainly not an improvement from previous weeks where I have enjoyed a high flying and positive outlook. You know what they say. What goes up, must come down. Our spirits included. Allow me to explain. Things aren’t going so well for me socially or romantically; I’m basically on my own again at this point, which is rather frustrating as I felt closer than I have in a while to something meaningful and what might perhaps be deemed ‘normal’.
Alas, I’m resigned once more to spending my days working and nights drinking copious amounts of wine and wallowing internally whilst religiously popping bubbles in a mobile game and pretending that I’m a world champion at it. The book too is slow and though I have added some considerable amount to the word count recently – I seem to be in a writing hiatus that I just can’t shift. Actually, this is a wide stretching hiatus. I’m not really eating properly, I’m not working out…I’m not doing anything. And there’s so much that I could and should be doing. But my mind is just retreating to the old ‘ah fuck it’ state. Which isn’t what I want. Or…actually, at this moment in time, it is what I want. Because if I didn’t want it, I know I would change it.
So perhaps my mind just yearns for a brief period of detachment from all of the usual melodies of thoughts to be had and tasks to be achieved. I put off blogging last week because of this dull and monotonous feeling, but actually, this brief little spark of text has resulted in a rather pleasing self realization. You know what, I’m just going to ride this through and enjoy a few more good bottles of wine and packs of giant cookies before I get to the point that I’m ready to resume life.
I’m going to Wales to visit my dear old Grandad on Thursday, and he lives on a house on the side of a valley about a mile away from anyone or anything else, with a lustrous view out over the River Dee and the Llangollen steam railway – see featured image. It’s one of the few places I can truly relax, so maybe after a little stint of r&r and stimulating conversation with the most intelligent person I’ve ever encounter (and ever expect to encounter), I’ll feel a little better. I’m back on Wednesday so I’ll report then, or on the Thursday.
Cheers, Joseph
Joseph Davies 